Category Archives: War

The Presumption of Intelligence


"Well, actually Gabe, it turns out you are, in fact, a moron"

We believe what we believe. We tend to find validity and truth in those things which are presented to us that correlate with what we already believe to be true, and we reject those things which do not coincide with those beliefs. The media does not create belief systems and morals, it does not create a world which does not exist. The popular media, often vilified for its skewed portrayal of humanity, simply strengthens and solidifies feelings that have always existed inside of us, and that were looking to find their own reflection.

We believe what we believe and we ignore the rest. We dismiss it as the background noise of the lesser enlightened people that make up the mindless public masses surrounding us. Even if you truly believe that you learned something new and unexpected, something unbelievable and you’ve had a revelation of sorts. You only believe it because you allowed yourself to do so, and ultimately it falls in line with similar patterns of thought that you already share.

Often people consider themselves to be open-minded when, in fact, they simply choose to believe in things that others choose not to. They have moved beyond the mainstream to form a pattern of thought that falls out of line with most of the public at large. This makes them unique in a way, however many choose to ignore the fact that instead of truly being open-minded they have simply chosen another path that comes along with all the same close-mindedness they tried to escape. They turn around, close the door and join the others like themselves. They all rejoice and say Look at how incredibly open-minded we are!

Presumably, the intelligence level of their beliefs and those they believe in is slightly, how should I say… enhanced over those who believe in supposedly archaic ways of thought. The enlightened people will not say outright that their beliefs are better or more intelligent than yours, that would be too close-minded of them. No, instead they will smile smugly and condescendingly tell you it’s alright to believe whatever you want, like a parent petting the head of a child.

A book is written on a subject by a person with a degree of some level and people say Aha! Look at what this very intelligent person just said about this! It must be true! What about the 40 people standing over there who also have degrees and who happen to disagree? Well, they must be wrong and/or ignorant… unwilling to acknowledge the truth… too scared to allow themselves to be free-thinkers!

A pseudoscientist finds proof of God in the complexity of a cell, through systematically neglecting to recognize countless factual contradictions, and the religious community shouts See! Even science proves it to be true! Ignoring the protests of the rest of the scientific community, and the fact that they operate under no agenda. They choose to believe any “proof” that points in the direction they want it to go, and they ignore the rest.

We believe what we want to believe and then we lie to ourselves that we are simply weighing the evidence and making a fair decision. We fool ourselves into believing we can objectively balance our options without prejudice. We consider ourselves open-minded based only on the fact that we consider ourselves to be in the minority, then we turn and judge the majority on how uninspired their views are. We convince ourselves we are special for our unique beliefs and presume that we, and others who think like we do, are just a little notch above the rest in the intelligence department.

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How to End This War, Right Now


Two words: air conditioning. I think we all know what hundred degree temperatures do to people. It makes ’em all crazy inside. I mean, look at these guys… these people aren’t evil they’re just dying for a cool breeze across the forehead once in awhile. We must provide window A/C units for every household in Iraq and Afghanistan if we want to win the hearts and minds of the people. What else are we good for if not to spread lethargy and procrastination worldwide? It’s the American Dream damn it!

They’re just pissed off all the time over there, and who wouldn’t be?!? Who can think straight with beads of sweat running from back to crack all the time? I’ve done the math, folks. We’re looking at about 650 million dollars to give every household  A/C units, compared to the latest totals of about 1 trillion dollars that we have racked up so far to fight both wars.

The heat is just intolerable people, let’s be honest. Hell, I wanna blow something up when it hits 90 degrees in my house… and I have cable and a Playstation 3. Come to think of it… let’s give them all cable T.V. and Playstations. It’s a mere drop in the bucket compared to what we’ve spent so far!

If you really want to give the middle east a real taste of authentic Americana, do it the best way we know how, through obesity and plain old fashioned laziness! Who wants to scheme up terrorist plots when there is a Madden ’11 tournament going on over at Ahmed’s place? C’mon, I’ve got a bag of Cheetos and a 12-pack of Coke Zero with my name on it Habib! Can’t we “destroy the infidels” after I crush Akhbar with my smothering Raven’s defense?

Terrorists with On Demand reruns of The Office and 70 degree temperatures aren’t terrorists anymore. Nobody wants to put down the lamb kebob and pause Michael Scott (AKA Prison Mike) to go shoot at some dudes in that sun. Besides, if anyone does start any trouble, no problem. A morbidly obese “evil-doer” is nothing if not a slow “evil-doer,” and easy to catch. Easier to spot too. Wal-mart could start shipping over Little Debbie’s Honey Buns by the truckload… I’m sure they’re down to “take advantage” of the new market.

Have you ever walked out of your nice, cool, house straight into a 110 degree slap in the face? You think twice about leaving don’t you? These guys just need a good reason to stay home and I think high score bragging rights on Guitar Hero 5 might just be the way to do it.

Democracy is all well and good, but what better way for the newly “freed” citizens of both Iraq and Afghanistan to learn about the power of one vote than through casting their ballots for their favorite “Islamic Idol?”

That is all….