Tag Archives: iraq

How to End This War, Right Now


Two words: air conditioning. I think we all know what hundred degree temperatures do to people. It makes ’em all crazy inside. I mean, look at these guys… these people aren’t evil they’re just dying for a cool breeze across the forehead once in awhile. We must provide window A/C units for every household in Iraq and Afghanistan if we want to win the hearts and minds of the people. What else are we good for if not to spread lethargy and procrastination worldwide? It’s the American Dream damn it!

They’re just pissed off all the time over there, and who wouldn’t be?!? Who can think straight with beads of sweat running from back to crack all the time? I’ve done the math, folks. We’re looking at about 650 million dollars to give every household  A/C units, compared to the latest totals of about 1 trillion dollars that we have racked up so far to fight both wars.

The heat is just intolerable people, let’s be honest. Hell, I wanna blow something up when it hits 90 degrees in my house… and I have cable and a Playstation 3. Come to think of it… let’s give them all cable T.V. and Playstations. It’s a mere drop in the bucket compared to what we’ve spent so far!

If you really want to give the middle east a real taste of authentic Americana, do it the best way we know how, through obesity and plain old fashioned laziness! Who wants to scheme up terrorist plots when there is a Madden ’11 tournament going on over at Ahmed’s place? C’mon, I’ve got a bag of Cheetos and a 12-pack of Coke Zero with my name on it Habib! Can’t we “destroy the infidels” after I crush Akhbar with my smothering Raven’s defense?

Terrorists with On Demand reruns of The Office and 70 degree temperatures aren’t terrorists anymore. Nobody wants to put down the lamb kebob and pause Michael Scott (AKA Prison Mike) to go shoot at some dudes in that sun. Besides, if anyone does start any trouble, no problem. A morbidly obese “evil-doer” is nothing if not a slow “evil-doer,” and easy to catch. Easier to spot too. Wal-mart could start shipping over Little Debbie’s Honey Buns by the truckload… I’m sure they’re down to “take advantage” of the new market.

Have you ever walked out of your nice, cool, house straight into a 110 degree slap in the face? You think twice about leaving don’t you? These guys just need a good reason to stay home and I think high score bragging rights on Guitar Hero 5 might just be the way to do it.

Democracy is all well and good, but what better way for the newly “freed” citizens of both Iraq and Afghanistan to learn about the power of one vote than through casting their ballots for their favorite “Islamic Idol?”

That is all….