Tag Archives: war

How to End This War, Right Now


Two words: air conditioning. I think we all know what hundred degree temperatures do to people. It makes ’em all crazy inside. I mean, look at these guys… these people aren’t evil they’re just dying for a cool breeze across the forehead once in awhile. We must provide window A/C units for every household in Iraq and Afghanistan if we want to win the hearts and minds of the people. What else are we good for if not to spread lethargy and procrastination worldwide? It’s the American Dream damn it!

They’re just pissed off all the time over there, and who wouldn’t be?!? Who can think straight with beads of sweat running from back to crack all the time? I’ve done the math, folks. We’re looking at about 650 million dollars to give every household  A/C units, compared to the latest totals of about 1 trillion dollars that we have racked up so far to fight both wars.

The heat is just intolerable people, let’s be honest. Hell, I wanna blow something up when it hits 90 degrees in my house… and I have cable and a Playstation 3. Come to think of it… let’s give them all cable T.V. and Playstations. It’s a mere drop in the bucket compared to what we’ve spent so far!

If you really want to give the middle east a real taste of authentic Americana, do it the best way we know how, through obesity and plain old fashioned laziness! Who wants to scheme up terrorist plots when there is a Madden ’11 tournament going on over at Ahmed’s place? C’mon, I’ve got a bag of Cheetos and a 12-pack of Coke Zero with my name on it Habib! Can’t we “destroy the infidels” after I crush Akhbar with my smothering Raven’s defense?

Terrorists with On Demand reruns of The Office and 70 degree temperatures aren’t terrorists anymore. Nobody wants to put down the lamb kebob and pause Michael Scott (AKA Prison Mike) to go shoot at some dudes in that sun. Besides, if anyone does start any trouble, no problem. A morbidly obese “evil-doer” is nothing if not a slow “evil-doer,” and easy to catch. Easier to spot too. Wal-mart could start shipping over Little Debbie’s Honey Buns by the truckload… I’m sure they’re down to “take advantage” of the new market.

Have you ever walked out of your nice, cool, house straight into a 110 degree slap in the face? You think twice about leaving don’t you? These guys just need a good reason to stay home and I think high score bragging rights on Guitar Hero 5 might just be the way to do it.

Democracy is all well and good, but what better way for the newly “freed” citizens of both Iraq and Afghanistan to learn about the power of one vote than through casting their ballots for their favorite “Islamic Idol?”

That is all….

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Remember that one time, when the world was going to end?


Monstrous tornadoes ripping cars right off their cinder blocks and out of every front yard in tornado alley, massive tidal waves wiping out entire hippie communes up and down the Western U.S. seaboard, gaping fissures ripping open and swallowing large women and their tiny dogs in the blink of an eye, and heat so intense that even baby seals and drowning polar bears burst into flames.

This may be a slight exaggeration on the picture painted for us by modern doomsday prognosticators, but it isn’t that far off. Unfettered by that pesky little idea about history repeating itself, they continue to press on, spitting in the face of restraint, rational thought, and every other delusional egomaniac that came before them.

One generation after another, after another, after another thinks this is it, this is the time, it’s the end, we’re all going to die… and each time, apparently to their sad surprise, instead of some epic turn of cataclysmic events leading to their noble demise, they stub their toe on a rusty gate and die from infection.

Recent generations have come up with more inventive ways of destroying humanity than just the old standard of God’s terrible wrath smiting evil-doers with one wag of the finger. However, these fun new ways to die are more a reflection of modern man’s circumstances than any real originality or imagination. I don’t want to discount the effectiveness of a good old fashion smiting, Revelations style, it’s just that it’s been done to death. Just know that for a very long time people walked around with their eyes down waiting for God to take a heavenly dump on their heads.

So, with the rise of modern warfare and modern weapons, the 50’s and 60’s saw the emergence of the idea that the world would simply be blown to little bits by atomic or nuclear warheads:

“More coffee dear?”

“Why, yes I think I’ll have some more. Say, do we have anymore shoe polish?”

“Well, I’m sure I saw some on your…”

*flash*

Congratulations, your ass and seat are now one and the rest of you is a black stain on the wall!

Next came acid rain… dun-dun-dun! What other two words could you possibly stick together that would sound any scarier? I mean, it’s acid and it falls from the sky… onto your babies and other valuables apparently. Bravo, instillers of fear and exploiters of paranoia!

Movin’ on up (Jeffersons reference) to the 80’s and 90’s we still have nuclear war hanging over our heads, but now technology is thrown in as a little twist just for fun. Uh oh, we don’t even have to press the button, maybe the computers will do it for us! Wargames, Terminator, Terminator 2, Y2K, and Short Circuit 2 all left people terrified of the possibilities.

Now that people have started to climb off the ledge a little bit, we get hit with a nature bomb. As the vengeful and terrifying God of the past is slowly being replaced by a kinder, friendlier, Earth and the worship of nature itself, the damn planet is pissed and is now going to wipe us out. Well, that’s great. Thanks a lot for the pep talk Al Gore.

If I were a betting man (and I am) I would put my money on things spinning along swimmingly for quite some time.

Keep feeding your dog. Keep clipping your toenails. You’ll be glad you did.

Some spectacular failures of the past: Top 10 Failed Apocalyptic Predictions – Top 10 Lists | Listverse

Loose connections


Cheap wine hangover + early wake up + lots of coffee + delivering mail all day =

I went to the river once on a Monday. Across the river, along the opposite bank, a lemon tree was growing all alone. “You see that lemon tree sitting there all by itself? What the hell is that doing there?” I said. As if the only place a lemon tree belongs is in a field alongside other lemon trees being tended by farmers or something. That is the only place I’ve ever seen them I suppose, or in someone’s yard I guess. It makes me think of how rare it is to see a fruit or vegetable, that is usually farmed, actually in the wild. What’s up with that? You never trip over a melon as you walk down a hiking trail… “What the hell happened to you?” “Oh man, this cantaloupe just came out of nowhere and I just went down like a ton of bricks.” When you hear of how sad everyone is (rightfully so) because there’s only like 8 bengal tigers left in the world (exaggeration) and they are almost all in captivity you say “Aawww, that sucks. There’s only a few tigers left in the wild and pretty soon the only place they’ll be is in a zoo somewhere. How messed up is that?” Well, where the hell have all the wild zucchini’s gone? When was the last time you got caught up in a tangled mess of green beans out on a nature walk?

Generally speaking, as the saying goes, it probably is true that the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Unfortunately, those words are usually uttered about 2 milliseconds before a warhead is delivered to some poor sap’s kitchen table via the new hole in his roof. What roof? If you truly believe that it is the responsibility of the strong to protect the weak then the first thing you should probably do is look at yourself and figure out which category you fall under, and then go from there. If you manage to come to a firm conclusion on that one, let me know how you did it.

Don’t get too distraught during those moments when you realize that you don’t have absolute control over every single facet of your life. If you did you’d probably screw it up. Even the oldest of trees is swayed by the gentlest breeze.

Don’t be afraid to allow someone you love to change who you are. Beware if someone you love tells you who you are, or who you should be. Know the difference.

Generally speaking, just about every belief system involves taking some kind of leap of faith, in one form or another. The greater the leap for one person, the more they try to recruit other people to do it with them. It is the greatness of the leap itself that proves the strength of their faith. It’s all circular. You cannot argue with faith, it is a trump card against any and all questions, so don’t bother trying.

Raising a kid is the easiest thing in the world to do. Raising a kid is the hardest thing in the world to do. ‘Nuff said.

Bumper stickers are actually a very funny concept when you think about it. If you have a very strong opinion about something it is not enough to just say it yourself, you want your car to tell the world for you too. I especially love the counter-culture enthusiasts. You know the ones I’m talking about, where the whole back window is covered with them. They usually consist of catchy anti-establishment slogans and cutting social commentary, proving what individuals they are, in case you never get the chance to speak with them face to face. They really just gotta tell you what’s going on. I’m going to make a bumper sticker that says “Don’t Label Me!” so people can plaster it on their rebellious bumpers.

I don’t subscribe to your religion, but you do give me free issues from time to time. I try to recycle as much as I can.